Re: RARA-AVIS: Willeford

From: William Denton (
Date: 28 Nov 2001

On 28 November 2001, wrote:

: People are mentioning two Willeford autobiographies. There is also
: the self-published, short "Guide to the Undehemmorhoided" (sp?) about
: his own surgery, and a few other matters. Great great stuff.


| I will make this statement at once at at least once: if a man is past
| thirty, it is not worth his while to have a hemorrhoidectomy. I say
| this flatly and categorically because there are not, simply, enough good
| years remaining to any man past thirty to make the pain of this
| operation worth it. Moreover, any young man under thirty, especially
| young men who have relatively dim futures anyway, should realistically
| and judiciously examine his post-operative prospects before submitting
| his ass to the proctologist's knife.
|"Good God!" I thought, between caterwauling screams. "Why won't someone
| help me?"
| Spasmodically, and of its own volition, my violated, outraged anus
| clamped down again and again on this fucking hose, and there was
| nothing, absolutely nothing, I could do to prevent it. Wounded
| quickly, blood-raw from the razor-edged scalpel, each succeeding
| convulsive grip was worse than the last, until, between shuddering
| screams I reverted to the pleading baby-talk of a tortured, terrified
| child.
| "Nursie! Nursie!" I cried. "Please help me!"

That's a man who won medals for service as a tank commander at the Battle of the Bulge. If you ever have to have that operation, I bet you won't forget Willeford's advice. I won't.


William Denton : Toronto, Canada : : Caveat lector.

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